The Spider Slayer

My Facebook status from September 18th:

So, after ruining my half of dinner, I decide to take a nice relaxing shower, since my shoulders are so sore from wearing Kat around for hours on end yesterday. As I'm rinsing off, I look over to see the bastard son of Shelob and Aragog staring at me from the shower curtain--parts from its last meal hanging from its jaws.

I shrink back against the wall of the shower to assess the situation. I cannot call for help, as this would merely lead to a mass evacuation of my house. I'm on my own: naked, wet and helpless against the monster as we contemplate one another.

Finally, it recalls that it 'saved some for later' and starts eating, then crawls off to the other side of the curtain. I try to determine if I can use the curtain to crush it, but it doesn't seem feasible, so I flick it, sending it flying out away from me, knowing that I will have to kill it later.

Then, as I shut off the water and slide open the curtain, I have a horrifying realization: I flung my tormentor onto my towels. Once again, I know that I am on my own as the only person in the house capable of picking up something that might have a spider on it. So, I tentatively reach out and lift up the towel, eying it for any eight legged fiends.

I shake it, hyper-aware that I could end up flinging it onto my person. Thankfully, it's clean and I towel off my hair, but am unable to wrap it around my head with confidence, for fear that the creature somehow concealed itself in a fold, awaiting such an opportunity. I threw it back and grabbed my next towel, which is brightly colored, so there was no opportunity for the thing to be hidden on it and wrap it around my body.

Now I am tense, miserable, have wet hair tickling at me and a dragonesque spider left in the bathroom to slay because I bolted from the room, unable to stand the idea of looking for the predator that stalked me. And the stress from my 'relaxing shower' has left my shoulders in knots. I finish my post on Facebook.

After social networking about my ordeal, I return to the scene of the incident and find the perpetrator huddled in the sink, clearly traumatized. Merciless, I take my blue, generic Croc and smash it so that a few legs fall off, then wash it down the drain.

Spiders be warned: This is the fate that awaits you in my home. Death. And not a clean one, much of the time, but one where you are a smear across the surface you cling to or mutilated and drowned. For I am the Slayer of Spiders. Burdened by two arachnophobes as my last two serious relationships, I had to develop my skills to survive in our brutal, perverted-shower-spider populated world. Also, to make the shrieking stop and convince my significant others that they can, indeed, sleep easily again at night.

Quick, Easy Meal Recipe: Bacon and Eggs Ramen

Seriously? Yes. I'm far from granola in my crunchy status. Every now and then, what I really love is some good old poor people food. If it's already going to be unhealthy, why not go all the way and add bacon?

So, this will be in my "quick meals" recipe file--this one takes a little bit on the longer side, but that's okay, it's still done pretty quick and easy. The bacon is the longest part.

Needed: Two packages Chicken Ramen (trust me, you can do another variety, but chicken is what you want)
Bacon (1-2 strips per person)
3 eggs

So, first thing's first: fry up that bacon in a skillet (no, don't use the oven, you need the bacon grease for the ramen). Start boiling water (I use an electric kettle). When it has about 3 minutes left and your water is boiling, in a large bowl or another skillet, drop the two packets of ramen noodles and pour the water over them. Cover and set a timer for 2 minutes.

Pull the bacon from the skillet when it's done and set it on  some paper towels (or whatever you usually rest bacon on to absorb some grease) and then drain all of the water off the noodles. Put the bacon skillet back on the burner and drop the noodles in. Sprinkle with the seasoning (one packet if you like less sodium, two if you like the full dose) and then drop in the eggs.

Stir like crazy with a spatula. Cook until the eggs firm up all over, then transfer to plates and serve with the bacon on top or on the side. Enjoy!

Monday Art

So, I've been working hard on writing and promoting my novel while homeschooling, so this week, I'll be showcasing some of my abstract CG (computer generated) art. I hope you enjoy!

"One Day Too Late"

"Celestial Palace"

"Center"

"Fractured"

"Disconnected"

"Gemini"

"Reptile Morph"

"Sand Dollars"

"Sober"

"Tentacle Monster"

"The Madness of Balls"

"Blood Egg"

"Sandwater"

We're officially homeschooling ;)

We did a trial run last year that just did not go well, because there was too much going on (pregnancy, moving, etc.)--not that that stopped Lilly from learning! This year, we are in the full swing of things!

Lilly wanted the full school experience, so we picked her up a backpack and she keeps her dry erase board (the modern slate!) and pencil in it. The rest of the supplies, I keep track of because Naomi is three. Do I really need to explain that?

Gym!

Another homeschooling mom said that one of the things her kids looked forward to was riding on the bus, so we integrated that, too. We pile on the couch (the bus) and the baby drives (Lilly calls her the bus driver for the rest of the school day... we're probably the only place where the phrase, "The bus driver needs mama milk!" has been uttered) while I make bus noises and shake the couch. Then we wait for the "other buses" to let off the kids (I'm usually nursing here) and then we go into the 'classroom' (the dining room, where their desks are).

Naomi plays along, but gets bored and wanders off eventually. Lilly has already tired of some of the school game and we're adjusting as needed (she still loves the bus) to keep learning fun and interesting.

We usually start out with writing, then math and then have recess (which is usually met with protests and requests to keep doing subjects, but I usually need to nurse the baby again at this point, who has been attacking the desks the whole time, fascinated by pencils and crayons). Classes after that vary by day so things don't get boring. So far, only music has been an utter flop. We'll figure it out.

Reading is the exclusive realm of Daddy at this point because Mommy does not have the patience to deal with 20 second pauses between letters while she stares at the ceiling, twirls her pencil, hums, etc. (yet if I try to end the lesson, she gets upset, so it's not boredom, just her attention issues--I can handle them for anything else, but I've always been impatient listening to slow readers--Daddy isn't).

I try to link up the lessons. When science was about birds, we did a bird craft for art and bird and egg were in the spelling lesson. Lilly doesn't like when the school days is over and tends to pester me about what we'll be doing the next day and one of the happiest parts of her day is when Daddy gets home so she can show and tell him about everything she learned that day.

Random facts about our homeschool: We're eclectic, not curriculum. We're secular. We wake up in the afternoon. We don't always do classes in the same order. We do classes six days a week, though one is just dedicated to non-core and reading. We have 2 recesses. Gym got rained out today. My oldest is an audio learner (I was kinesthetic, Daddy was a little bit of everything--Naomi seems to be visual). Kat is nine months old now and taking her first steps, which poses challenges for us all! Sometimes we move from the desk to the couch. I use recess to teach myself guitar and crochet and then share it with the kids.

Do you homeschool? What are some random facts about yours?