Only One Absolute in Pregnancy

There's only one absolute in pregnancy and that is that the baby is going to come out eventually.

image courtesy of stockxchng

So, when we think about getting pregnant, we think of certain things immediately. Missed periods. Nausea. Strange cravings. Big bellies. Did you know that none of these are absolutes?

The missed period

Okay, so this really is an absolute in a way--no one has a 'period' while they are pregnant, in that they aren't shedding the uterine wall lining in preparation to begin the ovulation cycle again. However, many women experience vaginal bleeding that can mimic a period for a month or even the entire duration of pregnancy. So, some women don't know they're pregnant right away, because they think that their cycle is continuing. This is especially problematic for women who have never had a stable cycle.

"Morning Sickness"

It seems like most people know by now that morning sickness has nothing to do with the time of day for many women. The reason that some women only experience it first thing in the morning (and why 'remedies' include eating something carbohydrate-bearing before you get out of bed) is that it's often tied to blood sugar.

Many women never experience morning sickness.

So, this is, again, not an absolute sign of pregnancy or lack thereof. While some women are tortured with morning sickness their entire pregnancy, for most women, it vanishes somewhere between weeks 10-14, after the placenta starts picking up in week 10. Sometimes morning sickness just translates as a reduced or increased appetite (depending on the mom-t0-be).

Personally, I didn't have it until my second trimester with my first, had it horribly with my lost baby, none with my second daughter and this pregnancy has been a low level nausea for about 80% of my day on average.

Strange Cravings

If you say you want pickles and ice cream, someone will likely joke that you must be pregnant. However, aversions are possibly more common than cravings! Again, this is a symptom that some women just don't get (or don't notice if they do, especially if they're used to having weird taste). And not all cravings are of foods you wouldn't normally want--common food cravings include fruit or meat and have all sorts of old wives' tales surrounding them (usually about gender).

For the record, my pregnancy cravings have gone as follows: fruit like crazy with my first girl and meat and veggies with my second girl. This pregnancy has been all about the meat, potatoes and cereal. I could really go for Steak Monterrey right now with a baked potato and Frosted Flakes for dessert. But I could probably fill a journal with things that gross me out.

Big Bellies

This one is rather hard to escape. When people talk about women 'not showing' through their whole pregnancy or being able to hide it, they immediately assume that the woman must have been fat. Which is totally untrue. I have a friend who is very thin and it took her almost to 30 weeks before she 'popped' enough for it to be visible past her shirt. We all could see her adorable bump before, of course, because we knew what we were looking at--but to a stranger, she didn't really look very pregnant.

Of course, having some extra pounds on can obscure a developing baby bump. I once had two horrible women debate whether I was pregnant or just fat right in front of me at the grocery store when I was 8 months pregnant and feeling beautifully pregnant. After that, I got a "Baby" patch and safety pinned it to whatever shirt I was wearing. I can't tell you how much that still hurts my feelings.

However, some women, for some reason, just redistribute the weight in a way that they think they're putting on a little weight and it doesn't show in that distinctive basketball shape. A heavier woman is more likely to have this happen, but it certainly doesn't only happen to women with curves.

A Positive Pregnancy Test

False positives on pregnancy tests are very rare and happen mostly with +/- tests. Surprisingly, Dollar Store tests are often more reliable and can tell you pretty early if you're pregnant. However, false negatives happen far more often. That's right, you can get a negative pregnancy test and still be pregnant. Usually, it comes from testing too soon (because you ovulated later than you realized or you were just too excited to wait), but for some women, rarely, they just never get a positive pregnancy test.

I have a friend who never had a positive pregnancy test in her entire pregnancy. If you look it up, it happens enough that it's a 'thing', but there don't seem to be any statistics on this phenomenon. It's not a sign that you're going to miscarry, either. For some reason, some women just don't seem to pass hCG into their urine.


Now, reading all that, it might sound like there's just no way to prove you're not pregnant, but really, to have all of these happen at the same time is so unlikely as to be virtually impossible. A blood test can usually confirm pregnancy where urine tests can't and the vast majority of women will stop bleeding, get tired, moody, sore and nauseous. Still, other than the baby eventually coming out (which can take up to 45 weeks, by the way--though 42 is much more normal in a first time mom and 41 or less in moms who've had more than one), nothing is certain in pregnancy.

And yes, there was one woman, once, who, for some reason, carried a fetus for 46 years. However, she still went into labor--she was just frightened out of the hospital and her ectopic baby never came out--probably because it was never in the uterus to be expelled. Had she stayed, her baby would have been taken by cesarean. No one can know if the baby was even alive at that point, but it was a very strange occurrence. And the baby did come out, after her body finally decided it was tired of the charade and she got sick. Since this is the entry for oddities, it would be incomplete without mentioning her.

Oh, and just for the mention...

Nine Months

Pregnancy is considered to begin before you're actually pregnant, for the formula that people use to calculate the due date. I originally wrote "modern" due date, but it's not. It's actually several hundred years old and created by a botanist. However, it's because the menstrual cycle is much easier to track than ovulation. Ovulation can vary by a week easily, so unless you're charting your fertility, you might not be ovulating when you think you are.

So, you are pregnant for two weeks before you get pregnant. Women who chart their cycles would do better, when reporting their LMP (last menstrual period) to simply go back two weeks from their ovulation date and list that date as their LMP. So, the EDD is 38 weeks from ovulation/conception, basically.

Still, "nine months" is 36 weeks, since pregnancy is charted by lunar months, not calendar. Since we are supposed to be pregnant for 40 weeks (give or take 2-4 weeks), that is actually ten months. "Nine months" really comes from the calendar, more than an accurate measure of months. The number of months pregnant you are is divided by four weeks--not what month it is, so it's more accurate to say that pregnancy lasts ten months, but you're typically only aware of it for nine of those months anyway.

So there you have it. There's only one absolute in pregnancy and that is that the baby will come out. Unless you're that one lady in Morocco.

I'm Different

Every time I read about a postpartum guideline, I think how very sad I would be to be treated that way. The most recent was about limiting the visit to 15 minutes like a time nazi. I would feel so dismissed and like I wasn't worth my visitor's time--like I was putting them out--if someone did that to me. Yes, there are times where I want short visits, but if I actually invite someone over for a visit (very rare in the first place), 15 minutes isn't going to cut it.

I am a social person. I hate how isolated I felt after the birth of my second. I didn't want to be alone with her (especially switching from one baby to two!). I have no problem nursing around people (so if you're around me, you have no problem with it either, or we won't be seeing each other much). I loved having my MIL come out to see the kids after they were born--and we didn't use to get along at all. And one of the highlights after Naomi was born was the baby shower a few days later.

If you're just dropping something off, someone will meet you at the door or your car, lol. But don't be scared to invite me out just because I just had a baby. I'll say no if I'm not up to it. But don't just squee and run. I like to share my babymoon. Maybe I'll feel different after I finally get a natural birth. Only time will tell.

Mostly, this was so I'd quit wanting to post frowny faces on all those guides!

Are those guides accurate for you? Did you want people to just leave you and your baby alone during your babymoon?

Hi, everybody

Sorry about dropping off the face of the earth, but I've been a bit busy... creating life.

I'm 7 weeks, 5 days pregnant. Remarkably, I got pregnant on the first try. We didn't think that would ever happen. My first little girl took 18 months of trying before I gave up--right after getting pregnant ;) My second was 8 months with two losses in the meantime and required supplements. So, I'm going to be a nervous Nellie for who-knows-how-long while I go from pregnancy milestone to milestone.

I'm having a yucky first trimester, but since a friend has hypermesis gravardium (where you puke endlessly, end up having to go to the hospital to be hydrated, etc.), I don't really see it as that bad. I take morning sickness vitamins and have only puked once, even if I spend about 80% of my waking time feeling like I'm going to and being afraid of it, because I'm exhausted, weak and can barely tolerate much food.

On the night I ovulated, I had a dream. This dream was so interesting that I overslept and had to tell a friend all about it. I wrote it down as a micro-fiction and that friend told me I should make it into a book. I laughed, because that seemed so silly, but the worm was in my head and I decided to write a short story.

Exactly 3 weeks later, I had over 100,000 words--a full novel. I wrote an average of 5,000 words a day (my daily goal) and put in 8-14 hour days on it. I was driven and I enjoyed it. I felt so fulfilled and productive. I've never written like that in my whole life. All the while, this little bean in there grew, implanted and started the road to becoming a baby. My little muse. My muse has always taken maternity leave when I get pregnant, so having him go into overdrive was strange and welcome.

So I've neglected my blog, dramatically and I'm sorry. But I'm also not sorry, as I had quite legitimate reasons. I don't know how active I'll become, since not a lot has really come up, parenting-wise, lately, that isn't already super-blogged. I'll eventually cover car seats and the new recommendation, but that's for another day. Today, I want to go lie on the couch and veg out, trying to forget about the ever-present nausea and overwhelming cravings for potatoes.

What Christians Should Know Before They Circumcise

Many people claim "religion" as a basis for circumcision, but there are a few errors with this. For one, many Jews have abandoned the practice as archaic (just like women being secluded as 'unclean' on their periods). Another is that though it is a Muslim tradition, it is not only not in the Qur'an, but it violates the exact phrase "We have indeed created man in the 'best of moulds'." (Qur'an 95:4) and "The One Who has 'perfected everything' He has created and began the creation of human beings from clay" (Qur'an 32:7)

Still, those two groups aside, it is Christians where the puzzlement ultimately lies, as it circumcision is expressly spoken against in the New Testament and the Bible couldn't be more clear:

"Behold, I, Paul, tell you that if you be circumcised, Christ will be of no advantage to you." – Gal 5:2

"And even those who advocate circumcision don’t really keep the whole law. They only want you to be circumcised so they can brag about it and claim you as their disciples." – Gal 6:13

"For there are many who rebel against right teaching; they engage in useless talk and deceive people. This is especially true of those who insist on circumcision for salvation. They must be silenced. By their wrong teaching, they have already turned whole families away from the truth. Such teachers only want your money" – Titus 1:10-11

"Watch out for those wicked men – dangerous dogs, I call them – who say you must be circumcised. Beware of the evil doers. Beware of the mutilation. For it isn’t the cutting of our bodies that makes us children of God; it is worshiping him with our spirits." – Phil 3:2-3

"And I testify again to every male who receives circumcision, that he is in debt to keep the whole Law. You who do so have been severed from Christ...you have fallen from grace." - Gal 5:3

"As God has called each man, in this manner let him walk. And thus I command in all the churches. Was any man called in the circumcision [Old Covenant]? Let him not try to become uncircumcised. Has anyone been called in the uncircumcision [New Covenant in Christ]? Let him not be circumcised! Circumcision is nothing. And uncircumcision is nothing but the keeping of the commandments of God. Let each man remain in that condition in which he was called." - 1 Cor. 7:17

"And some men came and were teaching the brethren, 'Unless you are circumcised according to the custom of Moses, you cannot be saved.' But Paul and Barnabas together had great dissension and disputing with these men. . . Then Peter stood up and said to them 'Why do you put God to the test by placing upon the neck of the disciples a yoke which neither our fathers nor we have been able to bear?" - Acts 15:1-2, 7, 10

"But if I still proclaim circumcision. . . then the stumbling block of the cross has been abolished." - Gal 5:11

"I wish that those who are pushing you to do so would mutilate themselves!" - Gal 5:12


Just food for thought. According to the New Testament, you are not a Christian if you are circumcised unless you become 'uncircumcised'. It's not cleaner. It doesn't prevent HIV. It does cut down on UTIs... for 12 months in a population that suffers few to no UTIs (little girls get FAR more). No baby is born with a full grown man penis, so he'll never look like his father (especially since he has mom's dad's genes in there, too) and men don't actually compare penises that much anyway. A little boy is going to care more about the hair than if the tip is pointy or round. It's not even the majority--80% of the world is intact. And finally, just because he doesn't consciously remember it, doesn't mean he doesn't remember at all.

Finally, I know this is a sensitive topic. I am not criticizing anyone's choices, I am simply providing a short bit of information that, on top of my belief that everyone should have a say in their own body regarding cosmetic surgery as well as the fact that the adult penis is easier and safer to alter (and the men get better drugs to kill the pain after, while infants in the first 7 days have less natural pain relief). I have no issue with circumcisions, mine is an issue of consent. I don't agree with infant ear piercing, either.

Women's Fertility

Most women know the basics of their cycle. It's typically 28-30 days, you ovulate in about the middle of that and if you're pregnant, menses stops. But that's a very, very basic understanding. Did you know that your cycle actually has four parts? Did you know that your body temperature changes to reflect that? And did you know that that fluid that seems to change so much is also a reflection of that? Did you know that your cervix changes? Even your saliva changes!

First, we have menses. That's your period. It lasts 2-5 days in the average woman and your cycle starts on the first day that you bleed--not the first day that you spot. That's Cycle Day 1 or CD1.

On CD 1, your temperature will be a little above its lowest and cervical fluid (also known as cervical mucus or CM, but fluid sounds better, doesn't it?) will be obviously hard to determine. Your cervix will be hard, like the tip of a nose, high up in your body and closed.

The next phase of your cycle is called the follicular phase. That's when your follicles are maturing and growing eggs to be released in the next phase. You grow 5-7 eggs and release FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) that causes the follicles to mature your eggs. They start producing estrogen that, when it peaks, stimulates the release of LH (Luteinizing Hormone) that is detectable by ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). The reason that they require a dark line to be positive is because when the LH peaks, that's when you release your egg(s). The LH surge (the highest concentration of LH) occurs 12-24 hours prior to ovulation but LH begins to rise about 36 hours before ovulation. Your temperature may go up and down a little, but it will stay in the same vicinity during these two weeks (approx).

Next is ovulation. In a woman with a textbook cycle, this happens on CD 14. This happens when the biggest, most mature egg is released at the peak of your FSH release. Sometimes two or even three mature enough to release. This is what causes fraternal multiples. The rest of the follicles and developing eggs die around CD7 or so.

Just before and during ovulation, your fluid will become watery or like the consistency of egg whites. That's fertile fluid and yes, the most fertile is called EWCM (egg white cervical mucus). It gives sperm the ideal environment to reach the egg (and facilitates sex). Your cervix moves down and opens, becoming soft, like lips. Your temperature may plummet or it may not move at all.

Sperm can live up to five days in a woman's body, so if you have unprotected sex as close as that, you have a chance at having a baby--and probably a girl. It's not very likely, though--sperm rarely lives more than three days and it depends on how 'hospitable' your body is to it.

The final phase is called the luteal phase. The corpus luteum is the dominant follicle, that is transformed by LH and starts producing progesterone. The day after you ovulate, your temperature jumps. In the space of three days, it can rise as much as a whole degree.

Now, all of this temperature stuff can only be monitored first thing in the morning. Basically, you set an alarm that lets you have had at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (mine's set for 9:30am, but I woke up every day for the last two weeks at 8-something and temped--it's important to temp when you first wake up, before you do anything else, to be the most accurate) and take your temp. Write it down or memorize it (or use a thermometer that remembers) and go back to sleep or get up for the day.

The luteal phase ideally lasts 14 days (the 'two week wait' is what it's referred to by women waiting to see if they are pregnant for any reason). Few things are ideal, however, and it can last 12-16 days and be perfectly healthy. 10 days is considered the minimum length of a LP to last and still be able to become pregnant. Now, it ends on the day your period starts, so that's why it's important to last long enough for a baby to implant. I had a 7 day LP and still managed to get pregnant, but I lost the baby. A LP that short is defective. My first baby was conceived with a 10 day LP (approx, as I wasn't temping).

The luteal phase is largely the reason for variations in cycle. If you ovulate on CD 16, you might have a 30 day cycle. If you ovulate on CD 12, you might have a 26 day cycle, so on and so forth.

The cervix closes and rises back up into the body at this point. It becomes firm again and fluid can vary from this point and doesn't matter much. You can start producing 'fertile' looking fluid as your menses approaches or when you become pregnant.

If you are not pregnant, the corpus luteum dies, your temperature drops and within a day or so, you begin menses.

If you are pregnant, your temperature stays up (but can fall after a couple weeks, so it's important to stop temping so you don't become frightened if it drops--it becomes useless after you're already confirmed pregnant).

You can read more about the phases of your cycle here if you like or in the book Taking Charge Of Your Fertility, which is the highest rated book for learning about how your fertility works. I prefer Fertility Friend myself, as it's basically the Cliff's Notes version, but I haven't read TCOYF to say for sure. You can sign up for an account to track your cycle at Fertility Friend, too!

If you want to chart your temperatures, it's important to use a BBT thermometer (I do not recommend Walgreens Brand--while I have successfully used it to chart for the last two months, it is horribly inaccurate in that it seems to have preset temperatures that it is unable to vary from.. my old one from Wal-Mart was slow and the kids lost it, but it worked much better... most drug stores carry them) as it measures to the hundredth of a degree and not just a tenth. Speaking from experience, yes, this matters.

An interesting thing about pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits (or ovulation tests) is that the hormones they detect are similar. You can use an OPK to detect pregnancy! The POAS lady describes it this way: Think of them as identical twins, where hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin--or pregnancy hormone) is wearing a hat. Now, an OPK can only look at the face of the twins, while the HPT (home pregnancy test) looks for a hat.

So, an HPT cannot see LH (what the OPK looks for) and can only see hCG, while the OPK detects both. Since hCG is only present in detectable levels during pregnancy, a line is a line on the test, no matter how faint, as long as it shows up in the test time. Anything after 10 minutes is an evaporation line (which can still show the pregnancy line, but if it wasn't there a minute before, it's not a positive test). With LH, it's a surge that triggers ovulation, so only a nice, dark, clear line counts.

This is one of my own charts (when I got pregnant with Naomi) to show you how temperature charting works (note the dip at CD7--that's an implantation dip; unconnected dots were artificially high temperatures from illness; the - test lines were confirming that my early loss pregnancy had passed):



So, I hope that you now have a better understanding of how your cycle (and your body) works!

The Hidden Growth Spurt

"My ten month old has been waking frequently at night. I'm exhausted. Help! What can I do? Is this normal?"

Basically every DDC or DDG (due date club/group) gets this question. The responses are usually flooded with confused mothers agreeing that they are going through the same thing. It also seems to be forgotten, as it's not only first time moms who ask this. Probably due to that sleep deprivation. Since pediatricians only talk about physical growth spurts, this one is almost never mentioned to moms to warn them that it's going to happen, and that really sucks.

Because it's going to happen.

I've seen it mentioned only maybe once in an 'about your baby' type of publication. The ten month developmental growth spurt. At this time in baby's life she has just started walking or talking or is making the first attempts to do so. She's typically teething and noticing the world around her even more, as well. Some babies develop separation anxiety at this age that can also contribute.

Now "ten month" is the average age, however, it can happen as early as eight months or as late as fourteen to sixteen months, depending on the child. It lasts anywhere from a week to a few months--again, depending on the child.

It's normal and it does pass. Parents who used some sort of sleep training method almost universally notice it is a complete failure during this time period. It remains ineffective for weeks to months, except in some babies, who may already have medical or psychological issues.

Parents who cosleep report getting crawled on, kicked a lot, rolled over on and just a general increase in sleep activity. Often, a wide-awake baby greets them with the desire to play and or nurse at four in the morning.

Parents who do not cosleep report babies who start escaping their crib, get limbs entrapped in their sleep, cry more often, need to nurse more frequently or simply sit up and start playing at random intervals at night.

Temperament tends to dictate baby's response to this time period--fussy babies fuss, laid back babies entertain themselves, clingy babies cling, etc. All in all, it leads to the same result: tired parents!

Responsive parents seem to have the best luck with babies with shorter times in this phase, but certainly not always. Some previously laid back babies become high needs.

"...even though babies achieve this sleep maturity some time during the last half of the first year, many still wake up. The reason? Painful stimuli, such as colds and teething pain, become more frequent. Major developmental milestones, such as sitting, crawling, and walking, drive babies to "practice" their new developmental skills in their sleep. Then between one and two years of age, when baby begins to sleep through the above-mentioned wake-up stimuli, other causes of night waking occur, such as separation anxiety and nightmares. " 1

This post is really meant to just give a head's up and an explanation as to why it happens. The 'how to get him back to sleep?!' is, unfortunately, so variable as to not be able to be answered in general (like most baby questions). Different babies have different needs to get through this time period.

Feed the baby (hunger at night continues well into the second and even third year for most children), make sure they're safe and comfortable and try to sleep through the crazies as much as you can. Some babies will let you sleep while they play until they're ready to sleep again (my first was like that--her growth spurt lasted about a month or a month and a half) and some will be super demanding (my second, whose phase lasted about two weeks and I was about to start crying with her by the end of it) and everything in between. The only constant is that "training" is totally ineffective during this time (not that it ever achieves the desired goal of a content, sleeping baby, regardless of appearances) and is basically just torture to everyone involved.

Try to prepare with your significant other for this time period if you can and try not to plan to start any taxing activities that could be really messed up by lack of sleep if at all possible. And just remember--like any other growth spurt, it will pass!

Celebrating Siblings

Ahh, the 'sibling gift' at birthdays. My sister was the first person I knew to do this and I didn't 'get it'. My childless self was opinionated and wondered why the other kid couldn't deal with not being the center of attention for one day.

I didn't 'get it' at all.

When I was preparing to welcome a second child into the family, I was looking at things in a totally different light. Birth and a new child isn't just about the parents and the new baby. That sibling is just as much a part of the changes, just as affected, as the parents! Their entire world changes.

This was reflected in my decision not to exclude my oldest from the birth of her sister. It was just as monumental a moment in her life as in mine. It was just completely different. For one, she didn't really get a say in it. Yes, she was happy about it and yes, I asked her if she'd like a little brother or sister and she did, but in the end, we never planned to be a one-child family. We wanted a big family.

One of the suggestions to avoid sibling rivalry is to make certain that the older sibling is greeted first and congratulated as visitors come to see the baby. After all--they just became a big brother or sister! That's a big deal. Another suggestion was to offer the older child a gift from the baby. We did both of these and it was a hit. Lilly was very excited and accepting of her little sister. She was so happy to have her and amazed at the tiny little critter that had come out of me.

My sister was on the same page and delighted Lilly

Her place in the family changed. Her responsibilities increased. Expectations of her increased. She wasn't any older. She wasn't any bigger or suddenly more able to do things than she was before, but she still had to start doing more, simply because she wasn't the only kid in the house anymore and largely because she wasn't the youngest. She didn't mind. She took it all very well and adored her sister and I believe celebrating her role as the big sister was a big part of it.

So, at Naomi's first birthday party, there was a gift for Lilly. Not to keep her from being jealous of the attention for her sister--she didn't need that, actually. She was super excited to celebrate her sister (more than the confused little one year old who just wanted to nap, lol). It was there to celebrate Lilly, on the anniversary of the day that changed her life forever.

Why does the little sister get a gift on the big sister's birthday? To keep her out of big sister's presents, lol. Sure, her life didn't change any on that day, but the little one is still a little sister because of it. It's an important role in the family, too.

So remember to celebrate the siblings! It's not just the firstborn, either. If you have four, then three children have had their lives changed forever! And the fourth is just as important as the first. Every little life deserves celebrating and every sibling deserves a congratulations. Maybe it's on being a great big brother or an awesome little sister, maybe it's on just not strangling their little sister or simply surviving little brother's forays into the tumultuous threes. Siblings do a lot more than they often get credit (or blame) for. So let them have their gift, too.

My Meatloaf Recipe

What respectable omnivorous mother doesn't have one? I discovered meatloaf when I was 15 or so and went over to a friend's house whose mother made it. I was instantly in love. I'd heard nothing but horror stories about meatloaf on t.v. and I didn't understand, as my mom didn't make meatloaf (but hers would probably have been delicious--my mom's a pretty good cook). I've had many kinds of meatloaf since and came to my own conclusions. Mainly: pork ruins meatloaf.

I had no idea people mixed meats in meatloaf until a couple years ago. I'm not a big fan of pork in the first place, but mixing it in, particularly sausage, definitely sends me running from one of my favorite foods. However, mixed meat doesn't have to be disgusting--or higher in fat.

Anyhow, after my Mother-in-law taught me to make meatloaf, I started experimenting with the dish to make it mine. One of the important things was to lower the fat content, since I have no gallbladder and high fat items make me ill.

So, without further blah blah blah-ing, here's my recipe!

What you need:

One-Two pound(s) lean ground beef
One pound lean ground turkey
One can sloppy joe sauce (or make your own! Having had ketchup, BBQ sauce and plain tomato sauce, I decided to try this--my husband despises ketchup--and it was a hit!)
6oz crushed cheese crackers (gluten free varieties are offered in many stores)
One egg (many people do meatloaf without the egg if you have allergies--some sub bread crumbs, but I don't see how that's necessary with the crackers--I haven't made it without egg, so I have no experience there)
1/4th of a small onion, diced
Ground peppercorn, to preference
Garlic pepper (or minced garlic or garlic powder), to preference
Salt, to preference
Curry Powder (sometimes I use it, sometimes not)
1/4th a can of black olives, sliced
4-6 shredded baby carrots
1/4 cup of tricolor peppers
One cup shredded cheese* (I usually use colby jack or cheddar jack)
Sliced cheese, enough to cover top of loaf*

*Cheese can be left out to reduce fat content

Preheat oven to 350

In either a large bowl or the pan, mix spices, crackers (crushing in the bag works best, IME), carrots, peppers, shredded cheese, onion, garlic, egg and ground meat with your hands. I usually do the dry first, then add the wet ingredients. Roll and mix until everything is thoroughly blended and there aren't any pockets of dry ingredients.

Shape into a loaf in the ungreased pan (or use a loaf pan). Wash hands (I usually run for the sink wailing for someone to turn on the water for me since I just touched raw ground meat and egg!). Smother with sloppy joe sauce. Place sliced cheese over top however you like.

Cook, uncovered, for 75-90 minutes (cooking times may vary) or until checking the center reveals no pink. Slice and serve. (It won't look anything like the public domain picture I picked out, lol, but it should taste better than that one looks like it would) Enjoy!

The Robots are coming, the Robots are coming--and they're HUNGRY

Originally posted Jul 15, 2009 on MySpace

Bow before the Technology... or it will eat you.

Want to fuck with America? No, no you don't. Ignoring all robot-warning movies from Terminator to Tim Burton's 9, DARPA has come up with the latest in terrifyingly evil concepts—EATR.

What is EATR? Well, in short, it's an ENERGETICALLY AUTONOMOUS TACTICAL ROBOT. Still don't know what that means? It means that it can derive its own energy sources from biomatter (grass, wood, garbage, roadkill, enemy corpses—basically anything but metal, plastic and Velveeta) so it can outlast the Energizer Bunny. And then eat it.

Here's the technical specs:

Oh, is that a Chainsaw I see? Yes, yes it is. And the Ramp for PackBots? Why, that would be the baby making orifice! This sucker can potentially BREED. “It might also be fitted with DARPA's SELF tech, enabling it to construct copies of itself and modify its own design.”

This is the face of the future enemy. Get a good look now, because it's going to be harder when we reach this point:

You think not? Well, how about this spec explanation:

AUTONOMOUS INTELLIGENT CONTROL: 4D/RCS

The 4D/RCS is a domain-independent approach to goal-directed, sensory interactive, adaptable behavior, integrating high-level cognitive reasoning with low-level perception and feedback control in a modular, well-structured, and theoretically grounded methodology It can be used to achieve full or supervised intelligent autonomy of individual platforms, as well as an overarching framework for control of systems of systems (e.g., incorporating unmanned and manned air, ground, sea surface, and undersea platforms, as well as serving as a decision tool for system of systems human controllers)

I don't like how that sounds. It can decide FOR us, can it? Oh, I'm sure that's not what that means... or is it?

And, of course, it's not DESIGNED to eat us. Of course not. As you see in this official illustration, the perception of what it consumes is totally benign:

And clearly, the intention is for it to be a vegetarian, as illustrated here:

So, as you can see, it's only going to eat your pot. Hmm... maybe it's not just designed for foreign wars, but our own homespun war on drugs as well. Of course, what's that going to leave us with when it tosses all that green into its burner?

Oh, yeah. Well, that's not so bad.

Oh, my.

So, let's review. So far, we have a chainsaw-wielding, pot stealing, flesh eating, giant killer smoking robot. Could it get any worse?

Oh, it's got a webcam. So it can post on YouTube while it slaughters us. So the other robots can laugh at us. And with the Japanese corpse-mover being invented around the same time, it's already got a lackey.

Of course, that robot's not just for corpses, but for moving bums from the street, too. If we toss in the automatic voice-recognizing sniper-bot with a two-mile shooting range...

...we're fucked.

Sources:

http://www.robotictechnologyinc.com/index.php/EATR

http://www.engadget.com/2009/07/10/eatr-robots-are-coming-this-isnt-funny-anymore/

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/07/09/eatr_beta/

http://www.cracked.com/article_16364_science-dick-5-most-evil-robots-ever-invented.html

Children Know What We've Forgotten

There are many difficult things about growing up. The greatest of all may be disillusionment. I am often baffled by how adults forget what it was like to be a child or mold their memories to fit into what adults believe, rather than how a child feels, thinks and sees. I know adults do much of this to the children, some children are born without the ability to See and a few even escape it to grow into adults who Remember. Grown ups who can See. And while I've probably forgotten more than I can list, these are many Truths that adults have forgotten, but are every day for a child:

Children can control the wind, the rain and many other elements.


Grown ups are invincible most of the time.


It's a different, better world when it's upside down.

Monsters are quite real, but for some reason, they often cannot harm adults and adults cannot see them. However, sometimes adults need to be saved from them and never even know.


A monster can stand right behind an adult trying to tell a child why they aren't real, and mock you both until the adult leaves.

Monster spray works like a charm, though. Only grown ups know where to get it.


There are Things in the dark that will eat you that only stay away if you are not alone or if you have enough light.


Invisible people often get stepped on and sat on, but they don't mind. They're really good friends. They just choose one special person to be their friend.


Buried treasure could be anywhere.


There are parallel worlds and doors to them exist everywhere. You need only open the Door.


Magic is very real and many adults have at least a small amount of it. Some people are just full of magic.

An object is rarely only what it appears to be.


Bullies are children with the power of an adult.


Grown ups very often won't believe the truth.

Between two of them, parents know everything and are always right. Except when they're not. But when defending knowledge to another child, the child's parents are right and the other child is wrong.

Favorite clothes "go together" regardless of adult clothing match up ideas.


A child (or group of children) saves the world every day, somewhere in the world, and no one even says, "Thank you."


Flowers are amazing and everyone loves them. They are one of the best gifts to give.

Adults are very forgetful and even when they can see the magic one day, will likely have forgotten by the next.


There are tiny fairies dancing in the air on sunny days.


Mud is simply clay and paint that you play with outside.


Wet clothes are worth seeing how high a puddle can fly into the air or how deep it is.

Beloved characters from stories and television are always ready to play!


The musician on the street corner or in the subway is very talented and deserves an audience.


Cities are full of things to see every which way you look.


Playing is hard work, but it is a child's duty to do what must be done.


Slime is just another fascinating texture.

Children can become any animal in the world.

Adults smell things differently than children. This may be why their food is often so gross.


People can randomly develop super powers.


Clothing can transform you into someone else entirely. Sometimes, it's a Door.


Dirt is a badge of pride and evidence that the day's work has been good.

photos courtesy of stockxchng
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1165211 (animal) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1173774 (flower)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/821461 (super) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1003002 (dirt)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/901830 (puddle) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/915225 (invisible)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/85959 (mud) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1207555 (save the day)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/723038 (playing is hard work) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1126834 (light)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1063361 (treasure) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/449238 (upside down)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/472029 (truth) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/473460 (musician)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/33076 (monster) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/707154 (magic people)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1210029 (city) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/199617 (fairies)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1024273 (elements) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1204146 (door)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1000139 (invincible) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1071558 (slime)
http://www.sxc.hu/photo/483719 (bully) http://www.sxc.hu/photo/740577 (clothing)