Fascinating Slideshow on Infant Statistics and Attachment

 Original Post Dec 2, 2009 at 4:44 AM on Cafemom

A psychologist friend sent this slideshow to me because 1. she knew I'd enjoy it and 2. she knows I've been unhappy with the damage to the bond and relationship with my middle child due to the epidural hormone inhibition and ensuing postpartum depression and there's a bit in there that cites research regarding brain development in the infants of depressed mothers that shows that breastfeeding protects babies from damaging asymmetry causing negative emotion-related psychopathology. Which means it prevents attachment and developmental problems caused by maternal depression (however, there is clearly damage done by the depression, it simply doesn't fall into the negative, it just prevents baby from rising as high into the positive as non-depressed mother's infants).

Slideshow

It's pretty long, so you'll need 1. Adobe Acrobat or similar program and 2. time to go through it. I'm sure something is lost without the speaker presenting it, but it's still very informative and not too hard to follow for the most part. It does get technical in several parts.

Some quotes:

Separated infants cry much more
..........................KMC babies               ...Cot babies
Number of cries        ...4                              ...41
Seconds cried          ...70                           ...2839

I especially liked slides 225-230 in regards to Kangaroo Care:
Two hospitals in a town in Ecuador, the poorer using [skin to skin contact], compared to the richer using incubators, in a controlled clinical trial... “Enrolment was terminated early because a highly significant difference in severe morbidity at six months emerged, in favour of SSC” [sic]

Slide 234 shows that breastfeeding is improved with skin to skin contact as well as overall health (and that duration of breastfeeding improves healthy outcomes as well).

In all mammals, brain grows in utero until it reaches 80% of full adult size… then BIRTH… then the brain grows the last 20% to final full adult size. Homo sapiens also has a brain that grows along this pattern… the brain reaches 80% of final size at the age of 21 months

Actual birth takes place at 9 months… which makes the human birth one year too soon: Exceedingly Immature

Humans essentially complete gestation outside the womb

In the UTERINE HABITAT, the umbilical cord delivers all the basic biological needs to the fetus. In the NEWBORNS HABITAT, the mother’s breast delivers all the basic biological needs to the fetus.

“Crying, the highest behavioural state, is DETRIMENTAL. It impairs lung functioning, jeopardizes the closure of the foramen ovale, increases intra-cranial pressure, and initiates a cascade of stress reactions”.

“Crying depletes energy reserves and oxygenation, increases intracranial pressure, white blood count and base excess, reestablishes fetal circulation, and interferes with the infant’s ability to interact appropriately with caregivers.”

Mother and offspring live in a biological state that has much in common with addiction. When they are parted the infant does not just miss its mother; it experiences a physical and psychological withdrawal from a host of her sensory stimuli, not unlike the plight of a heroin addict who goes cold turkey.

“Society reaps what it sows in the way that infants and children are treated. Efforts to reduce exposure to stress and abuse [specifically MATERNAL INFANT SEPARATION --Bergman] in early life may have far-reaching impacts on medical and psychiatric health and may reduce aggression, suspicion and untoward stress in future generations.” Martin H Teicher

Musing on Responding to Baby Owies

Courtesy stockxchng

It's inevitable. As part of healthy development, babies eventually become mobile. As parents, we meet this with anticipation, excitement, trepidation and a flurry of snatching tiny little objects away from the exploring baby that we were sure couldn't possibly have been where they were poking around.

With mobility comes trial and error. With trial and error comes tears. Frustration overwhelms our baby and we have to decide: do we help or do we leave her alone and let her try to figure out how to do it for herself. Our desire and instinct is to sooth her frustration, but we can't do everything for her if she's to figure it out (and boy do we piss her off if she wanted to do it herself!).

Katarina using me to stand

Regardless, there's one thing he has to do himself: pulling up. We can stabilize the first efforts and we're almost always the first grabbable to assist in this task, but as baby gets holder, he will start pulling up on things, crawling around, sitting up, etc. without us there to cushion him. As a result, he will bang his head. It's going to happen. He's going to bump it, bang it, whack it, whomp it and, in general, make you wonder if he doesn't need a helmet to just get around the room.

Our first reaction as a mother often depends on our level of attachment mixed with stress. A mom who is more tired, has been dealing with a clingy baby or has had difficulty bonding could get frustrated and possibly even angry at the poor creature while a mom who has a healthy attachment may worry and loudly exclaim.

Courtesy of nadmental on stockxchng

I had to swallow a lot of exclamations, but I found that the best way to respond--is to just look. Keep you face curious, but as neutral as you can (don't look worried!). A friendly, "Are you okay?" can yield either a smile (and a huge breath of relief!) or the tears that we saw coming. It's okay to respond after baby responds, but I'm personally careful not to teach her that every bump is a red alert. I wait for her to tell me how I should respond.

I've had people react to this in different ways. Some are amazed that I stayed so calm, some apologize for their sympathetic gasp and some laugh, understanding my tactic quite well. I'm sure there are people who would see my response as heartless and be angry at me and others who would judge me for comforting the baby who's upset (which is stupid, because my method means that my baby is only crying if they're actually hurt!).

courtesy stockxchng

This post was actually inspired because Kat was pulling herself up on the couch, slipped and bonked her head on my chair leg. I scooped her up (she was crying, but I'd have picked her up regardless, looking at me with those cute eyes) and said, "You bonked your head!" with surprise in my voice and on my face. She sighed at me as thought she was frustrated that she'd bonked, but clearly just fine other than the initial pain. I kissed her head and she was laughing a few seconds later. My middle child might have cried longer just because she had a harder time calming down from anything. My firstborn, we had a ritual where she would bang her head and I would greet her with, "Bonk!" or "Bonk?" and she would tell me just how she felt about it (a grin or a cry).

Part of the reason for this post is just a small snippet of a day in the life of an Attached Parent. Many people mistake that for someone who coddles or hovers over their child--that's simply not true. The other reason is just to give moms of babies another strategy to mull over if they're interested. I don't remember which mom friend taught me this or if I pulled it out of my ass, but it has worked pretty well on three different babies and two very different personality types (Lilly and Kat have similar personality types, but Naomi was very different).

Naomi using my hands to stand

How do/did you respond when your baby hurt themselves (not seriously)?

Musing on the Time Cover and Attachment Parenting

Everyone else is, so I guess it's time to blog my bit as well (Bridge? Why that one looks quite lovely to jump from!). I've been posting other bloggers' articles all day (thinking I wouldn't want/need to write this) and I think I'll start with linking to some of my favorites (just because you aren't here doesn't mean I didn't love your article--it might just mean I haven't had a chance to read it yet!):

First, the interview with the cover model

An interview with my friend, fellow (better) bloggess and one of the other mothers who was in the photo shoot

Her post on Huffpost.

Another interview with said friend:



An article by Daniél at Three House Wives


An anthropologist's take on the issue.

This article by Phil Giannotti on Attachment Parenting.

This post was originally a facebook status before being expanded, by the wonderful Lindsay!

This photo, taken by The Heady Housewife, shows that the cover image is a kind of optical illusion, making the boy look far older than he is. Her son in this picture is younger than two years old:

Tales From A Kitchen Witch shows that Time perpetuates a sizist notion of beauty:

A response to the title by hobomama.

What about the Daddy Wars? Charlie (awesome lady I'm proud to know) writes.

Interview with Mayim Bialik, one of my favorite attached celebrity moms:



And a response on FB via photos that I enjoyed (which is where the cat picture at the top came from as well):

 

Now, the article was supposedly on Attachment Parenting. I don't know, as due to their tactics, I have no interest in buying the magazine and supporting the fuel they've added to the "Mommy Wars" that simply should not exist. Instead, it's all become about breastfeeding and specifically, full-term (also known as 'extended', but I don't like that term as it implies that it is abnormal when it is the biological norm) nursing because of the cover.

So, people are talking. Some of it is good, honest curiosity. Like the majority of moms, I had no intention of nursing a three year old, much less a four year old! My initial plan was to nurse for a year or so, then give my toddler pumped milk in a sippy until she was two. Ha! First, I don't respond well to the pump, so it's from the tap or almost none at all. I thought it would be weird to nurse someone who could talk about it. Then I got the first, "Mmm, ice cream!" and all of that went away (I was eventually informed that the other produced fruity milk while the ice cream breast tasted like various confections).

Like Dionna said (and I've said and many other mothers have said), you don't wake up one day and have a two year old (well, you do, but that kidlet doesn't look any different than she did the day before or the week or month before). It seems strange, looking down at a twelve month old and knowing that some people think that's too old to nurse. That's a baby! I didn't even notice a difference in nursing a one year old versus a six month old, or an eighteen month old versus an eight month old.

My opinions slowly changed as my baby aged and I became more comfortable with nursing (I once thought I wouldn't be able to bear to do it at all), being a mother and the biology and science of it all. As I became better educated, was more exposed to other nursing mothers and watched my children grow, I knew that all that I thought I'd 'known' before just wasn't so. At least, not for me and my family.

We practice child-led weaning. From solid introduction (where the baby feeds herself based on signs of readiness) to the end of nursing, I follow many cues. With Lilly, the final indication that our relationship was ending was her losing her latch. She couldn't get milk and I had an aversion to nursing her. We talked about it and she stopped. It was more mutual than child-led (Naomi weaned on her own a few months later--I kept offering and she just slowly stopped). 

From baby

to toddler

to our last nursing photo, when she was 4

(Sadly, I don't have any photos of Naomi nursing after she turned two--I had camera issues during that time and was busy writing a book and gestating Katarina)

What are the benefits of nursing a toddler or preschooler? Much the same as nursing a baby, only to different degrees. Nutrients in milk becomes more concentrated as Mom's body senses the child's increasing needs and becomes extra loaded during natural weaning, preparing the child to be on his own, immunologically and nutritionally. It's not full nutrition anymore, but more like a dose of vitamins with immunity information in the stem cells. It's still comforting, reconnecting and contrary to popular old wives' tales of the day: it encourages healthy independence. There has been no upper age limit found on the benefits of nursing--they continue stacking. You can read more here.

The age children reach independence (not true independence, of course, as for that, you have to be able to hold down a job, pay bills, etc. -- you certainly can't expect independence from someone who can't wipe their own posterior!) depends on the child. Their personality plays a lot in it, but studies have shown that nurture is also very important. A child whose needs are consistently met is more confident and secure in their independence. They also may reach it sooner (but I think that has more to do with temperament--a clingy baby is likely to be a clingier child regardless of nurturing). I have two very independent little girls and I do believe my parenting, which nurtured attachment and respect has a lot to do with that, particularly with my oldest.

As for Attachment Parenting--what is it? Well, it's about creating an environment for your baby that supports healthy attachment (hence the name). It is the 7 Baby B's, for starters. But that's just a rough guideline, not some set of rules. A mother who cannot nurse can still easily practice attachment parenting. As can parents who do not feel comfortable having baby in bed with them (cosleeping in a crib is a wonderful second choice!). Also, mothers who cannot handle the strain of babywearing on their body, for whatever reason. It's not a competition. It's not a club. It's simply based on the most natural ways to care for a baby that supports the health (physiological and psychological) of an infant, toddler, etc. 

Technically, full-term nursing is not even a part of attachment parenting! It's a part of Natural Parenting, which is complimentary, but not the same thing. Cloth diapering, elimination communication, baby led solids/weaning, etc. are all Natural Parenting and not AP--they are lumped together because they are agreeable. You can read more about what AP is not here.

I am so sad to see that people are flocking to denigrate parents who are simply trying to follow their instincts and do what they feel is right for their family. I am sad that the "Mommy Wars" even exist or that so many people seem so quick to join the ranks and take up arms. I hope that people can put aside their prejudices and try to use this as a learning experience instead of falling into cultural xenophobia.

We need our sisterhood back, as mothers. We need to remember that which connects us all as mothers: love. 

The Manipulation Myth

First, let's sort this out. This is manipulation:

This is not manipulation:

Again, this is manipulation:

The reason that manipulation works is because the end result is something that is mutually beneficial, in most cases. What is offensive about children's manipulation isn't the end result, but the way it was achieved. In the above comics, Calvin's dad isn't going to be sorry that he gave Calvin the pony ride or told him a story, he really will be glad to have spent that time. But the way Calvin achieves it leaves much to be desired. If a child needs to learn to manipulate, then in most cases, some need isn't being met (sometimes, a manipulative parent is the behavioral model instead). Some are more obvious than others--a child manipulating for a toy, for example, may not have a clear motive other than wanting that toy. But that they feel manipulation is the only way to achieve getting that toy is indicative of a communications problem in the home (all relationships require two-way communication--romantic, platonic and familial--to function properly).

An infant is totally incapable of this thought process. What they are capable of is learning to decipher what their body is telling them and attempting to communicate that to their parents (through instinctive motions, signaling, and finally crying). Communication is not manipulation. That is the same as believing a child (who is not yet allowed or able to make their own food) saying "I'm hungry" is manipulative, or a spouse asking "Can you take out the trash, my hands are full?" You can choose to view any inoffensive request as manipulative, but that just creates an adversarial state in that relationship and doesn't make it any more correct.

One of the key ingredients in manipulation is empathy--the ability to understand the feelings of others. This ability is learned (or developed) somewhere between 3-4 years old, typically. Infants are incapable of any thoughts like this. The second key ingredient, cause and effect, isn't even a learned skill until 19-23 months. Sure, they get some basics, like "if I eat, my stomach stops grumbling", but more complex cause and effect like "If I do A, then B happens" (such as a jack-in-the-box) where the relationship of B to A is understood, is a toddler milestone.

Why do we fear manipulation? Because the motives behind manipulation in adults is seldom innocent or in the best interest of the manipulated party. But children are not adults, they do not think like adults, they do not have adult desires and they do not have malicious intent behind attempting to have their wants and needs fulfilled.

Infants, even more so, do not even think like children or toddlers. We are uncertain how infants think, but we are aware of their developmental capabilities. Manipulation--or the adult concept of coercion being used to force another person to do something not in their best interest--is not one of their capabilities.

So when your instincts tell you that your baby is hungry or needs you--your instincts are right. The book (or well-meaning friend/relative/acquaintance/stranger) that told you that your baby is manipulating you is wrong. It really is that black and white. With infants, there is no grey on this subject. They can only communicate to have their needs met. And studies have shown that babies who have their needs consistently met are more secure, independent, trusting, cooperative, empathetic and have a better capacity for dealing with stress as children and adults.

A couple Resources (it would take too long to list them all, so here's two key sites):
Infant and Toddler Development Milestones
(Infant) Attachment and Adult Relationships