Pet

Last July, I had the pleasure of announcing that I had become a published author, with my first book, Hotel of Lost Souls. This month, I get the joy of announcing the sequel, Pet! I also have a series name: the Lost Humanity series.

If you like vampires and Urban Fantasy (especially Anita Blake or Sookie Stackhouse), then you should like my books! Hotel was described as a psychological horror book with vampires in it. Pet continues in the psychological horror tradition with themes of hate crimes, deprogramming and addiction as well as a continuation in descending into the dark side and how the lines blur.

From the back cover:

Hate is a four-letter word—one that hits home for Zack Henderson only three years after being the victim of terrible violence.​​

While settling into his new life, he finally manages to put the past behind him. Just as he believes he is finally safe, though, hate comes smashing through his door. When everything he cares about is torn away from him, he must find the strength to make decisions of which he had never believed himself capable.

In a world with vampires, humans can still show that being dead is not a prerequisite for being a monster.

You can read a sample chapter on Amazon and if you like it, you can purchase it from Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Kobo or Smashwords. All the links for purchase are available at my website.

You don't need an eReader to read my eBook, either! You can read the book now on your phone, tablet, iPad or computer using the Nook App or the Amazon Kindle App (both of which are free!). If you're using an iPad or iPod, you can get Stanza, a free eReading app and read any format that you like!

If nothing can replace the feel and smell of a real book for you, head on over to Lulu and pick up a slightly-larger-than-average paperback! You'll get to experience it the way it was meant to be read! eBooks can't display the little artsy touches at the beginning of each chapter or the fonts that the handwritten notes in the story use. With a physical book, you get back cover art, too!

You can follow my author page on Facebook if you would like updates on future titles and to be able to connect with me personally as well as other readers. Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me over the years and to everyone who purchased a copy of Hotel of Lost Souls!

Musing on Seether

This is the story of one of the worst days and best evenings of my life.

It was Rockfest 2005, hot as all fucking hell. They were doing Liberty Memorial for the first time, it had rained the night and morning before.

I was there to see Seether, Shinedown and Chevelle primarily, but I also wanted to see... I think it was Static X? (and they sucked hardcore because they got there late, had no setup time, their instruments weren't ready... oh, it was awful)

I'm allergic to the sun, so I got sun poisoning like I do every time I go to Rockfest. The ground was pure mud with leftover rain, piss from the portapoties, beer and probably some blood in there, too. I was FILTHY, my shoes were trash--tried to save them, but the mud destroyed them

what was left of the sock

During Chevelle, a mosh pit opened up about 5 feet away from me. Someone was crowd surfing, and I was off from the crowd, not facing it, and they threw him into the back of my head. I went down, couldn't hear anything for a half a minute or so, everything was swimming, and I was sick. Just as I got up, I was hit into the mosh pit, where I was trampled. While I was asking for help, someone yelled at me that I shouldn't be in the crowd if I couldn't take it and then walked off.

I finally got OUT of the crowd and sat down, unable to move, I was in so much pain. I had just wanted to see the fucking band and I'm blind as a bat, so I'd been up relatively close, but tried to stay away from the rowdier parts of the crowd.

I sat down so far back I couldn't see through Shinedown, and they did a great job (as did most of the bands). Then they announced Seether was signing autographs. They had just become my favorite band and I wanted that SO BAD, so even though I could barely walk, I tried to get in line, but it was about 300 people long already, and they were only signing for about 15 minutes.

I knew I didn't have a chance, but I really wanted it. I was basically on the verge of tears trying to walk over there when Shaun Morgan (lead singer) steps out onto the DJ platform to reach the fans himself.

I hobbled over there with my one thing I could ask for him to sign--my ticket. Keep in mind at the time, I'm 5'4", I was at my worst weight ever at the time--255, so I'm short, fat, covered in mud, could barely walk and nursing what was probably a concussion.

I hold up my ticket, and I'm right there. He's coming over to me and I get so excited.

Then this guy who's about 6'0" or 6'1" knocked me down, took my spot and held out his shirt for Shaun to sign.

I stood back up and thought, "There's no way for him to reach me now. I'm too short, and he's too far away."

I considered leaving, but I held my ticket up, and Shaun leaned far out over the railing to reach past the guy and take my ticket.

Then he refused to sign the guy's shirt. He completely ignored him. He'd seen him knock me down, and didn't let him get away with it.

...and that meant a stupid lot to me, considering everything I'd been through that day -- to have someone see a bully and virtually tell them to go fuck themselves. Not just anyone, but a singer I freaking loved. It was an act of kindness to someone not used to it at all. ♥

My BFF (yeah, those were my hand prints)

Then they covered Deftones and I'm in love forever.

terrible audio, but I was there, at this one, that night

better audio, but I don't know what concert

That was the first night I heard Burrito, too, for their (then) new album. Their whole performance was worth it.

Musing on Rape Culture

It should go without saying, but this post is full of triggers for sexual assault survivors.

I guess it's my turn to get on this subject since this seems to be the week to talk about it. Sexual assault. Rape. What is the first thing that comes to mind? A woman in a dark, isolated area? A contaminated cup at a party? Something totally different?

This is what got us all talking. Of course, this awesome lady was already out there:

Does it all seem like too much? What about when you read this?

Those numbers should all be 0. There is never a time when it is okay to hold someone down and force them to have sex.

That's right, I used gender neutral pronouns because men are raped, too. 11% of sexual assault victims are male. The average time between the crime and seeking help for men is over 16 years.

I probably don't even have to explain why, do I? How many of you immediately dismissed it as a prison phenomenon? From there, you can morally separate it from "real" rape because everyone in prison is definitely a criminal, right?

I hope you could read the sarcasm there. No, criminals do not "deserve" to be raped. Perpetuating a cycle of violence does nothing to end it. It doesn't teach them "what it's like." Instead, it's more likely to exacerbate the issues that caused him to rape in the first place. More, men being raped is not a joke.

What is the awareness everyone is trying to raise right now? Stop blaming the victim, first of all. This is such a problem that psychology texts include sections that talk about how support persons often make everything worse by inadvertently blaming the victim in an attempt to rationalize an irrational act.

What is self blame? Why would a victim think that it's his/her fault? It's not just thinking "I shouldn't have worn that dress" or "I shouldn't have been drinking" or other obvious, common thoughts (Quick note to victims: it wasn't your fault! You should have the right to dress comfortably, safely enjoy a party and trust your friends and family! It was not your fault.) It also includes thoughts like, "Well, if I'd done this differently, maybe I could have stopped him/her" or trying to rationalize why it happened.

Why do people (including the victim) blame the victim?

Control. Rape is proof that we do not have control over every aspect of our lives, so trying to rationalize it (dress, sobriety, flirting), we are trying to take back control of the situation to prevent it from happening to us.

That doesn't work.

You can't prevent all sexual assaults. People who are trained in self-defense are still assaulted. People who are armed are still assaulted. People in groups of friends/family are still assaulted.

I've been assaulted. I had an ex try to force me to give him oral sex while putting his hands under my clothes--while his friend sat next to us and did nothing but tell him to stop. He was stoned at the time and not really aware of what he was doing (his friend was probably in a likewise state). That doesn't make it okay at all and it certainly didn't hurt me less.

Do I blame myself?
Yes.

I should have hurt him to make him stop. I should have screamed at him. I should have made him stop instead of ineffectually struggling quietly, embarrassed that it was even happening. I should have stopped the movie and made it more clear that I meant "no."

Likely, you're nodding and agreeing that I should have done all of those things (assuming that you have no clue about the psychology regarding sexual assault). That's rape culture, in your brain, victimizing you and re-victimizing every assault survivor.

I was also sexually assaulted during a medical procedure. I felt like something was wrong and I repeatedly tried to stop him from touching me inappropriately, but he told me that I was interfering with the test and said other things that were the equivalent to: "You are making this worse on yourself. It's your fault that this is continuing."

I now know how that procedure should be performed, and I know that what he did was grossly inappropriate. But this was a case of not knowing how he was supposed to touch me for that procedure, so I was unable to defend myself. It was assault, and I have never had a follow up because I cannot emotionally handle the thought of possibly subjecting myself to that again.

I want to delete the last several paragraphs. I want to delete those memories. I want them to have never happened. I want to have known that I could say no to that medical tech. I want to have known not to let my ex into my house when he was stoned that day. I want to not have these embarrassing humiliating events in my past.

See all of that? I want to have stopped it. Me. The victim. That's rape culture. I know that that thinking is self-defeating, but I still do it. Many of you reading this agree with it. It's wrong.

So what should we be thinking?

My ex should not have believed it was okay to assault me because we'd had a sexual relationship in the past. He never should have considered continuing from the moment I asked him to stop. That med tech should be fired. He should not feel that he can use his position to assault women (I'm assuming that he's heterosexual, but who even knows).

I want We need men and women to understand that "no" means "stop." It's not just some slogan. I want We need people to stop blaming the victim. Stop looking at rape as something that shouldn't destroy the lives of the rapist by branding them--because the victim's life is destroyed. Someone isn't less of a criminal just because they have a successful job or light skin or a "promising future."

Also, it is never ever okay to have sex with someone who is unconscious. If they are drunk or drugged it is not okay, either, because they cannot give consent. If you have sexual contact with someone who is incapable of consent, that is sexual assault.

There are people who are saying that it's insulting to say "Teach boys/men not to rape." They then go on to say that it implies that all men/boys are natural born rapists. This is bullshit. We teach our children not to hit, not to masturbate in public, not to take things that don't belong to them, not to touch each other inappropriately, and that goes on to teaching them not to rape.

Just putting the message "Don't be that guy" out there in Edmonton, Canada dropped the sexual assault rate by ten percent in only one campaign. One.

Most assailants are not psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists. Most victims are not 'teases.' Most sexual assault isn't rape by definition, but that does not make it less damaging.

I will add that girls need to be taught the same. If someone says no, you stop. Yes, women are statistically less likely to rape. But what do statistics mean when most men don't report their rapes and those that do wait a decade or two to do it? What do they mean when men believe that they are supposed to like any (heterosexual) sex that they are offered just because they are male?



Do you believe in any of the myths of rape culture? If so, I strongly encourage you to change your thinking. Stop believing the lies. Accept that it was not the victim's fault, it's not your fault (unless you've sexually assaulted someone), and there is no reason to try to rationalize why it happened. Instead, focus on your empathy and compassion. The victim is in pain. It hurts to talk about what happened (even if they use the coping mechanism of 'dramatization' where they must repeatedly talk about it--it gives them back some control over what happened, don't take that away from them).

Be the change.



If you are a First Responder, EMS, police (sex crimes division particularly), nurse or doctor, please read and/or listen to this slide show on the Neurobiology of Sexual Assault. The information is essential for anyone dealing with sexual assault victims. Please share this information.

Recipe: Pumpkin Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

So, this is not my recipe originally, but it's amazing and my friend's notes were so helpful that I'm including them with the rest (as it changes the recipe anyway). My notes will come at the end.

Not my picture, but ours didn't really last long enough for one

2 cups flour (I use half wheat, half white)
1 cup quick oats
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup butter/margerine, softened
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup raisins **
1 cup nuts (any kind) **

Preheat oven to 350. Combine flour, oats, baking soda, cinnamon and salt. Cream butter, gradually add sugars, beating untill light and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla, mix well. Alternate additions of dry ingredients and pumpkin, mixing well after each addition. Stir in chocolate chips, raisins, nuts. For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto lightly greased cookie sheet, spread with spatula. Bake 20-25 min, untill firm and lightly browned.

**My changes to the recipe: Overmeasure all the dry stuff except for sugar, which I undermeasure. I use a whole 15oz can of pumpkin. I added some flax seed meal and a couple shakes of nutmeg. I left out the nuts and raisins and added extra chocolate. I tried these with the addition of dried cranberries once, it was pretty good. I used teaspoons to drop globs of dough onto the ungreased cookie sheet, didn't smooth them out at all, and they took about 15 minutes to cook.

My changes: I didn't have craisins this time and didn't want to use extra chocolate (plus we only had half the needed cinnamon), so I used cinnamon chips. I used a whole can of pumpkin. Plain, instant oatmeal in place of quick oats (three packets). Ovemeasured dry ingredients, lightly undermeasured sugars. No nutmeg. No nuts or raisins. I squish ours out because they already puff up HUGE. I just use all purpose flour.

Musing on The Spectrum of Sexuality

This was originally a post I made on facebook after a friend's sexuality was attacked. I felt it was important enough to turn into a blog post.
 
Sexuality is not a choice. You can choose to act on it, sure. But not what you feel. Not who you're attracted to. Or not attracted to.

Lesbians don't need "a good fuck by a man" to become straight. If anything, that's just a recipe to prove to them how not heterosexual they are. Same in reverse with gay guys. Sex with a girl will not "cure" them.

Asexual people will not suddenly develop an interest in sex just because they have it. It doesn't matter if it's from the best lover in the world. Nor does--and this one may surprise you--being asexual mean a lack of libido. It can. But what it means is a lack of sexual attraction.




Sexuality is a spectrum. It's not Straight and Gay. It's heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual and levels of each. Then there's romanticism--it's a spectrum, to. A person can be romantically attracted to someone without sexual attraction. And someone can be sexually attracted to a gender/multiple genders without experiencing romantic attraction.

These are not mental issues. These are the broad spectrum of humanity. Of love and sex and all of that. It is not caused by abuse (it can be exacerbated by it). It is not "cured" by further abuse. It is not your place to judge, condemn, diagnose or attempt to "save" or convert (sexually) people of a different orientation.

Acceptance, not 'tolerance,' is what this world needs. Love. Not conditional, based on what you are comfortable understanding. It's okay not to understand. It's okay to ask questions, as long as it's not in a derogatory way. It's okay to feel weird until you know more. It's okay to not know, and to learn. It's okay to be Takei, gay, straight, bi, pan, asexual or anything in between.
This is nature, how we were designed.  Homosexual behavior has been observed in close to 1,500 species. It is real, it is as natural as heterosexuality--it's just less common.

So please, don't just 'tolerate' your friends and family of a different orientation. Love them. Accept them. Defend them against fools who refuse to learn or think. Be the change that this world so strongly needs.

And congratulations to the UK for taking the next step in this process!

Musing on Knowledge, Education and the Internet

"Oh, did you learn that on Google?"
"Miss Internet Search thinks she knows so much!"
"You shouldn't trust what you read on the internet."

Sound familiar? Maybe you've spouted off one of those 'gems' (if it's the second, congratulations on trolling, and you can kiss my ass right now). These are usually dropped by people who either don't have the facts to back up their argument, are wrong and starting to realize it, have no debate skills or honestly believe that the internet is written by 12 year-olds (which is only partly true).

Don't underestimate his knowledge base.
image by AKphotos

I hate when people say you can't learn anything on the internet. I don't mean that in a snarky or ironic way, either. There are entire textbooks in PDF and other forms you can read online. The kind you study in college. Along with full coursework if you look hard enough for it. In fact, you can take free college classes online or learn a new language for free.

The whole of the internet is not made up of Wikipedia, folks. Medical journals, scientific peer-reviewed studies, instructional courses from legitimate experts, non-editable encyclopedias, statistical records--the list goes on and they're all available.

Not the entirety of the internet

Yes, there are plenty of people who don't know how to use that information. There are people who quote things that actually mean the exact opposite of their intent. But just like any other group, not everyone falls into those categories.

I know this may shock you, but even those of us who use the internet to share pictures of funny cats, snarky ecards and pinterest porn can also use it to actually learn things. Further (gasp) teachers are great, but you can learn without one assigning you the homework.

Don't dismiss something just because it's on the internet. Don't assume that a degree = knowledge or that no degree = ignorance, either. I know more about breastfeeding than most doctors--from anatomy to practice and benefits. I know more about piercing than the average mall 'piercer.' There are people without kids who know more about them than I do and people with them that know less than I did before I had them.

And even without the internet--don't assume that the old lady who didn't finish high school, sitting next to you on the bench, doesn't know more about some obscure but useful subject than you even knew there was to know.

Let me leave you with some words of wisdom from "The Science Guy":

When Promotions Go Wrong...

So, last week, Instead SoftCup ran a promotion where they were giving away free Softcup 2 packs to anyone who wanted to try their product. Now, in retrospect, I'm betting they never thought that a menstrual cup would be such a popular item for a free sample (their facebook free sample ran out as well and now they're giving out a $1/off coupon) -- or that word of mouth would happen so fast.

However, instead of honoring their agreement when the demand went higher than they'd ever expected to supply, they canceled everyone's orders. I was going to post a review, but instead, now I have nothing but a rant. The e-mail they sent out reads:

"This message is to notify you that your order #114166 from Softcup has been canceled for the following reason: Misuse."

Um, okay. So, instead of sending out an apology--you know, "We screwed up, sorry!"--they sent out this comment on the cancellation receipts. Some of the earlier cancellations were given the comment that the promotion was meant to be a buy one, get one free deal. Looking at my cart, I see that I have that option as well now (which wasn't included in my e-mail).

Changing the coupon was one thing--that was rude, but completely understandable. However, for those of us like myself who only got the "misuse" e-mail, it was uncool business practices. If I hadn't had friends who also tried to use the coupon, I wouldn't have known why I had received such an e-mail.

Here's a tip, Instead: Don't insult potential customers. I've wanted to try a menstrual cup for a while, but have been very dubious as to whether they would work for me or not. This seemed like the perfect opportunity. Putting down the equivalent to what I pay for pads every year for one product that I might hate and can't return just does not strike my fancy.

I think we would have all understood an accident. Their site even put out an apology--it would have been nice if they had sent a link to all of the people who wanted to try it. I might still try them in the future, but I want to make a suggestion to small companies for the future:

When making a free coupon, make certain to add "Free to the first [feasible number] customers to use the coupon code." And if you mess up? Instead of reason "misuse" -- how about reason "We screwed up and we're sorry!"

Just a thought. In the meantime, you can still try a sample pack for $2.50 and free shipping. That seems like a fair deal, if you're still looking to try out a disposable menstrual cup.

November Blues

 

November and I have a tradition: I don't like it and it does its best to shit all over me and everyone I care about. As a result, this year, my coping strategy has been to be a proper writer and immerse. Which has left me wondering if I'm writing a trilogy or a quartet. The age-old question of when you let it go for the readers to continue on with their own imaginations. I won't know until the end of this book, I suppose!

Katarina's first birthday!

I've had some great things happen in November. Last year, my third little girl came into our lives with my best birth. Eight years ago, I married the most amazing man I've ever known. Three years before that, he and I became a couple.

But mostly, it's been a bust. This year, I watched one of my best friends lose her kids just for starters. The list of bad that has happened to my friends is just too long. I am praying my hardest for two little girls and a friend's husband to come home as soon as possible. I'm not a praying person, but this is very important.

I'm starting to finally come out of the major depressive cycle I've been in for the last few months. Of course, I thought that at the beginning of the month, then I was hit so hard that I barely made it through the first few days of what I hope was the final spiral.

I am trying not to just disappear, but I haven't been much inspired for posts these days. My work has been almost entirely in fiction. I have been posting relevant articles, etc. on my Facebook page, so if you don't follow me there, you should consider it! My sales have been down on Hotel, but I haven't felt much like pimping it, so that's understandable.

We did have a pretty good Halloween, though, so I'll end with a few pictures from it. It does give me an idea for a post later, to explain my costume.

Lilly as Merida from Brave

Naomi as Spidergirl

Me, Cyberpunk

Fus...

...Ro dah!

Ready to Trick or Treat!

My jack-o-lantern will end the world
(carved by my talented husband from my design)

Not Ready For Radio

 

I had a very interesting new experience this week. In my publicity endeavors, I was presented with a great opportunity: to do a podcast! Now, I'm terrible about listening to these things. The Nerdist tends to be the only one I can listen to for any amount of time (my ADHD is not audio-friendly). I still tend to check out after 15 minutes or so, even if it's, say, Jeri Ryan. 

However, when I was told this Larry Duane of Not Ready For Radio was interested in interviewing me on his podcast, I gave it a listen. This guy is hilarious. He held my attention, he was polite to his guests--it made me feel very confident that I could manage! 

For anyone who isn't aware, I have agoraphobia. To do this, I had to be dropped off and have my husband take the shorties off to go play so they wouldn't be noising up the studio. This presented the problem that not only is it hard for me to be around strangers, particularly men I don't know well, but I wouldn't even have a baby to help balance me. It ended up being a non-issue. 

Get me talking about my favorite subjects and I'm immediately comfortable! Throwing in some pumpkin cream liqueur does not hurt, apparently (I also very seldom drink). He was just as funny in person and his girlfriend is a friend from a local mama's group (how I got connected to him). 

I had a lot of fun and hopefully expanded my reach for Hotel of Lost Souls. Which, by the way, he read and really enjoyed!

If anyone has ever wondered what I sound like, you can check me out here (click the pic--audio is NSFW):

The Cage

Larry Duane continues talking terror in this episode of his show, and he's joined by author H.S. Kallinger. Her book, Hotel of Lost Souls, is an urban fantasy novel featuring the scary-story staple that are vampires; so the pair chat about that a bit, but not before daring to utter -- three terrible times -- HIS horrifying name! Who is HE? Tune in to witness HIS summoning!

Fall 2012 Updates

Well, in lieu of a more interesting post this week (you are still fascinated, I'm sure), I'll give you updates on what's going on here (aka: why I have not had a lot of time to blog).

Our 10 year old kitty got very sick and almost died--
kangaroo care for a kitty brought her back!
Yes, Brat is in the sling with the baby sleeping next to her.

 First, you can blame Facebook above all else. It fires my dopamine receptors like no one's business. 

Next, my kidgets: Lilly has got the whole 1-10 addition down and is doing pretty good up through 15. She loves word problems for subtraction. She will have me knock them out (and I have to use objects for visual reference, even though it's verbal) while we're driving to the store, etc. Finally, on the math front, she's started multiplying small numbers. I just decided to throw out a couple of equations and the girl pwned them.

She's reading faster and larger words with more ease and her favorite subject is still science. Particularly anatomy. A quote from the other day was, "We have a human heart on our wall!" Because we have a printout of a human heart that's all labeled. She loves the circulatory and digestive systems.

Naomi is her usual crazy, creative self. She draws almost on parallel to Lilly and far ahead of where Lilly was at this age. I love her little people and her pony the other day was super cute. She still swings madly between being uber adorable and doing her best imitation of someone locked in a mental institution off their meds. She has her Renfield moments, too--the kid is obsessed with death right now. What is it with 3-4 year olds and death?

Oh, yeah, and I took up hooping

 Katarina is walking! She started just a few days before she turned 10 months old. She says mama, mom, dada, dad, hi, KitKat, cat, Brat, up, this, that, what and random other adorable little sounds that may or may not be words. She signs milk and claps delightedly for milks. She loves to give her family hugs and blow raspberries until the cows come home. She's got more dance moves every day and recently discovered dubstep.

She also knows how to turn on the XBox and loves playing around with the controller. She'll bring it to me to turn on 'baby show' and dances and claps when I turn it on.

As for me... I finished Pet, my second novel (sequel to Hotel of Lost Souls, which is to be a trilogy, apparently) last Tuesday (September 28th). I'm in the editing phase as well as writing the third book, Bridges. I made it about... well, one sleep cycle and six hours awake before I was writing it. Pet took me a total of about 9 weeks, although there was a break of over a year while I grew, birthed and nurtured a new human life.

Oh, and I nursed hands-free for the first time
in a baby carrier!

So, that's why I'm a bit quiet over here. The blog wasn't getting as many hits as it used to and I figure everyone else is busy, too. Or there just hasn't been enough controversy. Whatever it is, all these things combined to take me down from 2-3 posts a week to 1. I'm still here and going strong, but my typity-typity has been directed in a more focused fashion!