Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Robots are coming, the Robots are coming--and they're HUNGRY

Originally posted Jul 15, 2009 on MySpace

Bow before the Technology... or it will eat you.

Want to fuck with America? No, no you don't. Ignoring all robot-warning movies from Terminator to Tim Burton's 9, DARPA has come up with the latest in terrifyingly evil concepts—EATR.

What is EATR? Well, in short, it's an ENERGETICALLY AUTONOMOUS TACTICAL ROBOT. Still don't know what that means? It means that it can derive its own energy sources from biomatter (grass, wood, garbage, roadkill, enemy corpses—basically anything but metal, plastic and Velveeta) so it can outlast the Energizer Bunny. And then eat it.

Here's the technical specs:

Oh, is that a Chainsaw I see? Yes, yes it is. And the Ramp for PackBots? Why, that would be the baby making orifice! This sucker can potentially BREED. “It might also be fitted with DARPA's SELF tech, enabling it to construct copies of itself and modify its own design.”

This is the face of the future enemy. Get a good look now, because it's going to be harder when we reach this point:


You think not? Well, how about this spec explanation:
The 4D/RCS is a domain-independent approach to goal-directed, sensory interactive, adaptable behavior, integrating high-level cognitive reasoning with low-level perception and feedback control in a modular, well-structured, and theoretically grounded methodology It can be used to achieve full or supervised intelligent autonomy of individual platforms, as well as an overarching framework for control of systems of systems (e.g., incorporating unmanned and manned air, ground, sea surface, and undersea platforms, as well as serving as a decision tool for system of systems human controllers)

I don't like how that sounds. It can decide FOR us, can it? Oh, I'm sure that's not what that means... or is it?

And, of course, it's not DESIGNED to eat us. Of course not. As you see in this official illustration, the perception of what it consumes is totally benign:

And clearly, the intention is for it to be a vegetarian, as illustrated here:

So, as you can see, it's only going to eat your pot. Hmm... maybe it's not just designed for foreign wars, but our own homespun war on drugs as well. Of course, what's that going to leave us with when it tosses all that green into its burner?


Oh, yeah. Well, that's not so bad.


Oh, my.

So, let's review. So far, we have a chainsaw-wielding, pot stealing, flesh eating, giant killer smoking robot. Could it get any worse?

Oh, it's got a webcam. So it can post on YouTube while it slaughters us. So the other robots can laugh at us. And with the Japanese corpse-mover being invented around the same time, it's already got a lackey.


Of course, that robot's not just for corpses, but for moving bums from the street, too. If we toss in the automatic voice-recognizing sniper-bot with a two-mile shooting range...

...we're fucked.


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